December 2004 - ANGER

I became very anger at this point of the disease. I became mad at God, and expressed it to Him. I never stopped loving Him or acknowledged the fact that He is almighty God. We have a very personal relationship, and in a good relationship you need to be honest and open with the other person or God. I could not understand the pain, or where He was taking me. I thought that I was doing what He wanted (Being a Pastor), I mean why would He not want me to be a pastor???

In my journal my handwriting is getting bad. I was losing my ability to write. Words to describe me in the journal; zombie, blob, not a man, hunk of flesh, pooh, worthless, and failure.

12/2/2004 - Had 3 days of IVIG (Globulin) This made me VERY sick. Let me stop for a second. There are many drugs out there to treat Dermatomyositis and other myositis diseases. What works for me, may not work for you. If you have Dermatomyositis I would talk to your Dr. about the medication, and look at the side effects. A lot of these drugs come with some serious side effects. I felt the the IVIG did not do much, but make me sick.

12/20/2004 - Journal Log: I GIVE UP - I QUIT - I AM DONE!

12/21/2004 - Tried to go Christmas shopping at Target. Left very discouraged and depressed.

12/22/2004 - Starting not to be able to hold up my neck.

12/23/2004 - Took muscle enzymes test. My count was down to 2,000.

12/29/2004 - My emotions came pouring out. I lost it. A suggestion: Get into a support group, and articulate your feelings to others.